ups and downs....
it's been a roller-coaster ride of love, challenges well dealt with and that periodic rise in the feeling of despair that comes from knowing there are things i should be doing, but not having the guts and will to do them.
it's an intricate form of self-loathing that rises and falls with the swells of life. it can hardly be called harsh or serious, yet it has that everlasting presence which is irritating enough to make it painful.one day i am happy, the challenges of the job being at exactly that level where boredom hasn't kicked in, yet the stress is bearable. i like it. i got a significant pay-rise, telling me someone out there seems to agree that the job description i have finally found agrees with my talents. i have a lovely girlfriend. one i feel like spending unending hours with. a great feeling that here is someone i can give my love to, someone i feel entirely comfortable with, in any situation, in every way.
it is in fact, quite the amazing feeling. she's away on vacation, as she has been away 3 times before in the mere 4 months we have known each other. and i miss her, bordering on the unbearable. yet it is a happy feeling, a full feeling, a feeling that makes me long for, and look forward to her return. not the feeling that brings fear of loss, not the feeling of abandonment that has so often before accompanied similar situations.this truly feels good, and different. that, it seems, is all i can reliably say about that.
that's a happy life in private, and a great feeling of challenge and contentment at the job. yet there are things that drive me crazy.my inability to change my life-style. the knee, the whole complex issue of training/not training, gaining weight, become a fat unhealthy sod, is iriitating to say the least.
it's a strange and complex situation.
i used to love playing basketball, but what with my torn cruciate ligament, and cartilage injury, who knows when I'll play again. For a year I went to physical therapy twice a week, forced to train by an intensly injured knee.
a month ago they basically gave up on me. there is no point in continuing that training. it's all left up to me, and until october when i go to the doctors again, i am in a void.
all i ever did was basketball. i can't. i need to train the knee, i need to lose weight, i need to get in shape. i hate all the things i try, i want something with the same social factor as basketball, but after 10 years with the same guys, playing in the same club, this is irreplaceable. so now i try to ride my bicycle when i go to see signe, which is about 75 minutes worth of biking. i try to run when i have time, and i try to eat healthier foods, pasta, rice and noodles, instead of burgers, pizzas and greasy steaks.
i just am not satisfied. it seems, that evey once in a while i loose concentration, find myself gobbling crisps, or stuffing a burger down my throat. or i skip running, or training at the gym, with some sad excuse. i prioritize my work and signe far higher thatn training. and that i guess will never change. i love signe, and i need the challenge of work. but why the hell can't i fit in a basic amount of training, and what should it be.i know i will never accept anything as long as i demand it be as interesting and fun as basketball has always been. i know i have to do it the hard way. i have set myself a target for december. 95 kilos, and in a nice shape. but shape is only one thing. what about the knee? it needs hard training too, training that doesn't help me get in shape. So i am stuck with needing to fit in bi-weekly knee-excercises, and at least bi-weekly fitness excercises, along side my social sphere and what i would anyday call an intensely demanding job.
i guess this is part of the struggle. if only i could play basketball again :-(
quote of the[insert arbitrary period of time here]:
Garrison Keillor:
"I believe in looking reality
straight in the eye and denying it."
currently reading:
Dan
Simmons :
"Hyperion"