wow, what a ride.....
initially, my apologies for giving up on this diary....
it carried me through a full year of relatively lonely singlehood. it was my distraction, my shoulder to cry on, my therapist and my memory, all in one. and all of a sudden i've abandoned it ruthlessly. left it free-floating out there in cyberspace, with only the most primitive interfaces in place, to allow others to add their touch.....what a selfish thing to do.... i found another shoulder to cry on, another therapist, another distraction, for a while i allowed myself to abandon memory, drifting away from this bastion of sanity, reeling and spinning through life.
all absorbed by a job that at times was, and i guess is, sapping the very juice out of life, and at other times is spicing up and replenishing that same juice faster than anything i've ever tried before.what a trip..... working long hours, a brick the size of a small english automobile nesting solidly in a crook of my stomache.... stress symptons, wild mood swings, smiles, exhaustion, exaltation, and insomnia.
a dreamscape, a job, a project, a desire to perform, prove my worth, get the job done. just a month ago i had never failed, never realized there was something i couldn't do, couldn't handle, always gone unperturbed through the challenges i allowed myself to face.i guess it hurt to learn the hard way, but i'm over it now. i failed, couldn't handle the job, couldn't stare the problems down anymore. the only thing i regret is that i didn't have the guts to go with instinct.
i really felt, having started recently in a new job, with great respect and responsibility been given me, that i HAD to do the job. i couldn't even imagine saying no. so many qualified people had been involved in creating the framework for this project, that it was inconceivable for me to say no.so i didn't, and what happened? i hear you ask.
well, i crashed first, came back a living dead, slightly disillusioned, much less motivated, and having created an excuse for my lack of performance. then martin, the programmer, and my good friend crashed, and now he's home trying to recover. and with him, i guess the project crashed. status unknown, is it mine, or does someone else finish it, is it worth finishing? unanswered questions abound......in the meantime, i've been restorin g my creative energies, and i guess, ensuring my survival on the job, through all the other stuff, the stuff i really love. i've been researching, teaching and presenting stuff. communicating. we have a WAP initiative at work. it's your general old internet access over a mobile phone. it's new, it's exciting, and we're amongst the first to do it. and i do love presenting ideas, explaining technical issues to non-techs, teaching and grinning.... yes especially grinning.
well, i guess i'm back in the writing mood, needing to unload..... at the moment all i do is work, and fool around with my mates. not much in the way of reading or writing finds its way into my busy schedule.oh, and i really miss my girlfriend who's away in spain for a few weeks......
quote of the[insert arbitrary period of time here]:
Adrienne E. Gusoff:
"Not only is life a bitch, it
has puppies."
currently reading:
:
"Wired Magazine"