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quote of the [insert arbitrary period of time here]:

Voltaire:
"It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge."

back from london

money spent
pubs,
friends,
walking through london,
football,
football,
pubs,
drink,
good friends,
good beer,
good football,
good trip....

back now,
missing it,
missing her,
missing me,
relentless hopelessness of knowing now that i will never know.
empty, sad, wanting to weep,
back now

here,
work,
pain of emptiness,
emotional waves sweep over me,
good trip,
happy,
love my friends,
the party,
the intensity,
the life,

it is life,

there, here, wherever. the variations, the talking to people who mean something. the meaning, getting closer, touching, meaning, wanting, needing. the smiles, the life the way.

want out,
out of regret,
of sadness, of me. want out of this, and into life

it is life

i can't seem to put a finger on what it is. what is the reason for one days exhilaration, and the following days complete emptiness. of emotional distress, categorized as pain. of sadness, of wanting desperately to cry this minute. the next to be swept unto a wave of fun, carelessness. why the constant exploration of self. the race to catch the essence of me, an essence i will never catch, much like i will never be quick enough to put my shadow in a box. in some cruel quantum twist of fate, the me i am after defines itself partly from it's inherent instability and immeasurability. months of happiness, of living just one way, lead me to think i was one step closer. a trip, a week, a gut-wrenching realization, that the insecurity will never go away, that there is only knowledge and ignorance, one carrying the possibility of failure but also the promise of success, the other the curse of insecurity.

i think, therefore i am insecure.

yes, my trip to london was great. just walked around, talked to my friends, went to a cuban concert, 2 football games, a plethora of pub's... bought some nice jazz cd's, a few books and a £ 160 lego mindstorms toy.

but mostly i just hung out with my friends, chatting about life, travelling, london and love. the weather was good, the beer was better, the football exciting, and the friends the best. in short, an amazing trip. the sort of thing that ought to revitalize me, give me a kick and a rush, and the lust for life. no bad days, no downs (except from the ubiquitous hangover), just a relaxed, no hassle visit.

but here i am, back at work, it's evening, it's been a long day, i've been back for about 30 hours, and somehow, ever since i got on the plane i've been feeling empty, emotionally, it maybe exhaustion, it may be just hunger, but it doesn't feel that way.

it feels like the good old emptiness of missing. there's that nagging fear that at heart i need the love. that i've successfully created nothing more than the illusion that i was alone and happy, satisfied in my independance. maybe i was, and am wrong, maybe this is the way it feels to miss. or maybe, as i said, i am exhausted, hungry, physically wanting, and an easy victim of another illusory, self-concocted lie.

"do i? don't i? want you to love me?" to paraphrase u2,
or rather it is probably
"do i? don't i? want me to love you?" methinks

---

as all things are, i am looking forward to getting my lego kit, to play and experiment, and play. and then to tell a little bit about it right here, on this site.