More ideas...
I suppose you all noticed, just how little I wrote on friday. Claiming. I got ideas, that needed developing. Claiming there was some worth-while thought for me to develop. That was when I came up with the idea of creating a Worth While Web. Focusing on using the web for something that benefits.
Doing something for other people, using my experience as a web developer. What a great concept, what a thought.
It gives me energy. I want this. So I decided to kill of, what was once a great idea, the CultureShock project, and focus instead on this new thought. It's not that CultureShock will die, on the contrary, it has just been given an umbrella to live under. The umbrella of the Worth While Web.
But I'll let all you readers decide for yourself wether or not the idea has merit. Go there if you care.
It is high time to tell you some more about me:
It's been a nice week-end, spending time with my friend San, his girlfriend Phillippa, and her friend Sara. You may have guessed. They are all, at least partially english. We had fun, went out, got drunk. Met up again for brunch saturday, ate, rested, went to Dyrehaven, for a walk in the woods, back home, had take-away Mexican dinner, and went to see the Game at Copenhagens premier summer activity, the Free Open-air cinema that is "Fri Film".
A great time, with some great people. Enjoyable. Interesting. Fun.
Stark contrast to waking up Sunday morning, consumed by desperation. Feeling of non-accomplishment. Emptiness, sadness, loneliness. Not missing anyone in particular, just missing something, someone, soem feeling of belonging. I don't know.
Feeling useless. Maybe living my life by the wrong values? Working hard, but accomplishing nothing? Does that qualify?
So I've spent hours in silent desparation, a variety of CD's trying to clear the darkness out of my mind. Unsuccesful, to a degree.
I don't know what creates this sudden darkness, the contrast of a great week-end in good company, slamming into your face, the morning after. The very contrast leaving you empty, from wanting more? Spending time with great friends, reminding you that that doesn't happen nearly often enough? Or just the plain fact that talking to someone about all the things I'd love to do, reminds me how little I can do. How physically hampered I am, from missing a cruciate ligament in my left knee?
I want out. Action, movement, Spend my life meeting interesting people, rather than making creating database enhanced Extranet applications. Surprise you? Seem strange?
I guess I'm dissatisfied, with a comfortable but unproductive time, spent working for my own comfort, when I could be working for the comfort of people who need it more. Spent creating things with known technology, instead of exploring culture, integration and stuff!
Spent comfortably in a place and time, where the givens far outnumber the surprises. It's comfortable but depressing. Easy, well in fact, too easy.
It seems to be keeping me from me. Putting a layer of expectations between me and me. Confusing me as to who me is. Too many questions go unanswered, because it is much easier to be part of it all, than to be apart from it all.....
Is this it, are we back, where it seems my inability to be true too myself, stems from my inability to distinguish me from the me, created, not by me, but by my surroundings? And in turn, how am I supposed to distinguish the me me from the composite me created as the set of all the me's I can be, when I cannot define the me me in the first place?
All this sound like identity crisis to you? I guess in a way it is. But somehow it strikes me that I really and truly belive in the need for me to go abroad, get out of these social settings, be someone else, be, primarily a friend to my friends, new as well as old. Travel, do something worthwhile. Pay something back to the world that has given to me in such abundance.
This is what I must do, so all that is left is for me to find out how, why and when! And all will be well.... See you soon...