Ravings of the time....
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Mid June Week-end 1998

Only a week til they throw me on the table to operate. A quick incision in the knee, a Meniscus repair job, and then a long uphill struggle to regain strength in that left knee, and lose 15 Kg to boot.

But Denmark beat Saudia Arabia, and with that victory bought some head-way at France98. That's a good result. I love football, but funnily enough it never used to mean much to me, until I went to South America, and met my Maluco brothers and sisters. I miss them.
I miss travelling, I miss that feeling of community, of being with someone, with whom I can share that one troubling fact that seems to make life more difficult.

It's a dilemna, to me, want to travel, want to live. I think I finally know for sure, that once my knee is again a useful joint, helpfully augmenting my ability to walk, I must leave. Go abroad, wether to travel or to work, is not the point. The point is to go somewhere, where there are less certainties, less givens, more room for me to be without that eternal and damnable desire to fit in, nagging me constantly.

I have no self-discipline.

Food is like a drug to me. I say I will lose weight, eat less, healthier, and all is fine until the food is served. Then I cannot get enough. It becomes time, that 'I release myself from the certainty that I can't, and prove to myself that I can.... Desire, will, and needless to say again desire and will....

Sometimes I ask myself, what is wrong... Why I will feel one thing and another, contradictory... Is it just an excuse for doing nothing, or are the feelings valid... What is it!
Never knowing.... Is it always easiest to leave things be? Not risk anything? Sometimes I think so, sometimes I know it, but always I seem to convince myself with a killer argument. Convince myself, that later as opposed to now is often better. There are many arguments for leaving be, but none as good as that essential reason for changing... I need change, I need to risk something in search of something new, because Status Quo just isn't good enough.

A life lived in fear is a life half lived!

There are plenty of things for me to do, plenty of chances to take.
Taking a chance with a girl, wouldn't be the end of the world, Taking a chance with a job wouldn't be the end of the world, taking a chance with my studies wouldn't, taking a chance with CultureShock would definitely not, taking a chance living, a chance travelling, experiencing, adventuring, having sex, writing, dancing, talking....

I need all that, and I really hope this burgeoning web diary helps me.