Well mine wasn’t. I don’t think i’ve ever wanted that, in fact i’ve often shied away from it, during the dot-com heydey, and consciously chosen the boring default. I’m not sure why exactly, whether it’s sharing a name with the unbelieving apostle, cowardice, conveniene or just high resilience to bs.
It doesn’t really matter after all, the point I wanted to make was that I never dreamed of being my own boss, i would have been contented working for other people all my life. in fact I think I would mostly prefer to be part of a team, with limited responsibility for having to make it all make sense (and money).

Yet here I am, running a small non-profit with Sebastian. Responsible for my own destiny, our success, and a lot of other high-brow things. It just happened this way. I found the ideal business in ict’s for the developing world, in which i had more fun, more fullfillment, and more interesting challenges in 3 month than i would have in a year of web agency, dot-not mayhem. I knew that that was what i wanted to work with, and i took the only path that presented itself to me. being my own boss.

It’s haunting me now. I can’t help but feel misplaced in so many ways. I can’t help but dream of having a regular job, with colleagues, limited responsibility, and the ability to run away screaming if it all becomes too much. Perhaps that’s really what it is, a fear of being trapped. trapped in a construct i invented, trapped in a job that i don’t really want, but can’t run away from, because that would be running away from myself and my dream.

i think that’s probably a large part of it. it’s a responsibility i never wanted, but having taken it upon myself, despite this fat, i need to deal with it or find a way out that leaves at least a few bridges standing.